I’m a cutting edge kinda gal. I’m a savvy trendsetter and a quick study. I’m all about toys and gadgets. I’m a master of technology, if by technology we mean electric lamps and indoor plumbing.
Other than that I’m a ‘tard.
Sixteen months ago I’d never even seen a blog. I figured everyone would be as informed, irritated and involved as Ann Colter and I just wasn't. Interested.
Other than that I’m a ‘tard.
Sixteen months ago I’d never even seen a blog. I figured everyone would be as informed, irritated and involved as Ann Colter and I just wasn't. Interested.
I was going to church with fundies I got plenty of anger and hatred thankyouverymuch.
And I thought blog was a funny word. Other than that I didn’t think about it much at all.
Who’d have thunk it’d be so enjoyable?
Who’d think I’d end up being a SITS' Saucy Blog this week, and I found entirely by accident, just so's you know.
Though if I knew you were coming I’d’ve cleaned up a bit , mixed up a pitcher of sweet tea, and baked a cake.
And I thought blog was a funny word. Other than that I didn’t think about it much at all.
Who’d have thunk it’d be so enjoyable?
Who’d think I’d end up being a SITS' Saucy Blog this week, and I found entirely by accident, just so's you know.
Though if I knew you were coming I’d’ve cleaned up a bit , mixed up a pitcher of sweet tea, and baked a cake.
But I’ve been so busy, see, raking in the accolades.
Alex the Girl, The Rambler (in Hawaii) and Vivienne all tagged me. Christina said I smell like an Angry Chicken, which may or may not be a euphemism for “Kel, you’re the Tops in My Book.” Vivienne further noted that I’m the aunt most likely to spike the reunion punch.
These ladies mentioned specifically that they’re amazed by my work with acrylic nails.
Christina loves my potato soup with bacon and cornbread casserole.
Vivienne wants me to post a tutorial on shaving above the knee.
The Rambler wants me to guest write an article on Southern Illinois’ High Sulfur Coal.
Alex wants my phone number so she can arrange a play date for me and Persephone.
There’s thanking to be done, but I’d like to clarify a few things before we get started:
I’m really, really looking forward to going to Edisto Island in July. The Darlings will be there. It’s a whole fam thing (not to be confused with a Whole Foods thing. I mean; I love ‘em, but I’d never eat ‘em.)
Someone asked me, “What is your guilty pleasure?” I’m more into the pleasure, less into the guilt.
Four words to describe myself - Wobbly bits all over.
My favorite vacation spot(s) have been Daytona Beach and Hilton Head Island. I love to boogie board, and it’s all about the ocean.
What are you listening to? Dora; the Oprah of toddlers.
Say something about the one who tagged you. Mom always said, “If you can’t say something nice…” I get it now.
What I Didn’t Do Yesterday (It being “Not Me Monday” in some locales.)
I did NOT change a poopy diaper. Seriously. I love it when Bom waits ‘til he goes home.
I did NOT finger check the diaper when a ghastly odor arose. I did NOT ask Calvin Klein if it was the dog. He did NOT confess to a Little One, and I did NOT gag before leaving the room to cleanse my olfactory system with paint fumes. I did NOT return to the room to tease Calvin. I do NOT think farts are funny. I do NOT use the word fart.
I did NOT eat a mountain of broccoli and end up feeling like a hypocrite for teasing Calvin.
I did NOT sit and blog while Mr. painted and did laundry.
I did NOT tell him that I know a blogging mom who had a kid just for the material. I did NOT mention Vivienne by name. I did NOT find her via a comment about her faith and I did NOT find it fascinating that she fearlessly calls her blog "The V Spot". I did NOT find it funny at all, and I have NOT read her stuff faithfully since.
I did NOT tell my girls about The Rambler. I did NOT wonder aloud why anyone living in Hawaii would leave the beach to blog. I did NOT further wonder why any blogger living in Hawaii would stop by my Southern Illinois P*ssfest even for a sec, let alone be fascinated with my mad skills. I did NOT wish we could travel to Hawaii and mooch a free stay off The Rambler and her fam.
I did NOT send a photo to Christina so she could make me a button. I did NOT ask for a “swishy, brushy fade away edge”. I do NOT think she has nothing better to do than to be my slave. I do NOT think she’s faking bed rest so she can blog prolifically. She awarded me the Zombie Chicken.
The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken - excellence, grace, and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to at least 5 other worthy bloggers. Do not risk the wrath of the zombie chickens by choosing unwisely or not choosing at all...I would rather not have the wrath of Zombie Chickens....
I do NOT think overmuch about Profile Photos. I do NOT do full hair and makeup on certain Saturdays and have my camera-loving Doll take pix.
I did NOT look for the skillionth time at Alex’s profile pic and think, “Five kids?! Please!”
I did NOT determine yet again that the secret is Tilt Head Back. I did NOT suspect that she may have a neck like a chicken. I did NOT hope for it secretly, to make myself feel better.
I do NOT think we’d be lurvely good friends if we lived close.
I do NOT hurry to their blogs when they post.
I do NOT appreciate being recognized by bloggers who have more intelligence, more savvy, more readers and waaaay more writing talent than me.
I do NOT get all excited about the props, tell my peeps and start working on what I hope will be a post.
Other Stuff
It thrills me to no small end that Mr. thinks a certain smile line is a dimple.
In April of last year we had a goodly earthquake in Southern Illinois. (There have been others, but this one was newsworthy.)
It was 5.2 on the Richter Scale. It was a full 30 seconds long. It happened around 4:30 in the morning and I was glad to be fully awake to experience it. The cat wasn’t as thrilled.
My high school cheerleading days were short-lived. Never mind that I loathed basketball. I weighed less than 200# and they wanted someone for the top of the mounts.
My best move was getting really drunk and putting my head on my knees waiting to vomit or pass out.
My best move specific to cheerleading was the fingers-in-the-mouth whistle. Not really a move, but it was the best thing I had in my arsenal.
I’m fairly fluent in sign language. I can do, “Are you hungry?”, “I’m going to kill you,” “I’m done talking about this,” as well as the lyrics to “White Christmas,” in ASL. (Which may or may not be an acronym for American Savant Language and may or may not be comprehended by genuine sign language users.)
Stuff I Watch/Listen To/Read
Scrubs
Cardinals Baseball
My Boys
Breaking Bad
Alex the Girl, The Rambler (in Hawaii) and Vivienne all tagged me. Christina said I smell like an Angry Chicken, which may or may not be a euphemism for “Kel, you’re the Tops in My Book.” Vivienne further noted that I’m the aunt most likely to spike the reunion punch.
These ladies mentioned specifically that they’re amazed by my work with acrylic nails.
Christina loves my potato soup with bacon and cornbread casserole.
Vivienne wants me to post a tutorial on shaving above the knee.
The Rambler wants me to guest write an article on Southern Illinois’ High Sulfur Coal.
Alex wants my phone number so she can arrange a play date for me and Persephone.
There’s thanking to be done, but I’d like to clarify a few things before we get started:
I’m really, really looking forward to going to Edisto Island in July. The Darlings will be there. It’s a whole fam thing (not to be confused with a Whole Foods thing. I mean; I love ‘em, but I’d never eat ‘em.)
Someone asked me, “What is your guilty pleasure?” I’m more into the pleasure, less into the guilt.
Four words to describe myself - Wobbly bits all over.
My favorite vacation spot(s) have been Daytona Beach and Hilton Head Island. I love to boogie board, and it’s all about the ocean.
What are you listening to? Dora; the Oprah of toddlers.
Say something about the one who tagged you. Mom always said, “If you can’t say something nice…” I get it now.
What I Didn’t Do Yesterday (It being “Not Me Monday” in some locales.)
I did NOT change a poopy diaper. Seriously. I love it when Bom waits ‘til he goes home.
I did NOT finger check the diaper when a ghastly odor arose. I did NOT ask Calvin Klein if it was the dog. He did NOT confess to a Little One, and I did NOT gag before leaving the room to cleanse my olfactory system with paint fumes. I did NOT return to the room to tease Calvin. I do NOT think farts are funny. I do NOT use the word fart.
I did NOT eat a mountain of broccoli and end up feeling like a hypocrite for teasing Calvin.
I did NOT sit and blog while Mr. painted and did laundry.
I did NOT tell him that I know a blogging mom who had a kid just for the material. I did NOT mention Vivienne by name. I did NOT find her via a comment about her faith and I did NOT find it fascinating that she fearlessly calls her blog "The V Spot". I did NOT find it funny at all, and I have NOT read her stuff faithfully since.
I did NOT tell my girls about The Rambler. I did NOT wonder aloud why anyone living in Hawaii would leave the beach to blog. I did NOT further wonder why any blogger living in Hawaii would stop by my Southern Illinois P*ssfest even for a sec, let alone be fascinated with my mad skills. I did NOT wish we could travel to Hawaii and mooch a free stay off The Rambler and her fam.
I did NOT send a photo to Christina so she could make me a button. I did NOT ask for a “swishy, brushy fade away edge”. I do NOT think she has nothing better to do than to be my slave. I do NOT think she’s faking bed rest so she can blog prolifically. She awarded me the Zombie Chicken.
The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken - excellence, grace, and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to at least 5 other worthy bloggers. Do not risk the wrath of the zombie chickens by choosing unwisely or not choosing at all...I would rather not have the wrath of Zombie Chickens....
I do NOT think overmuch about Profile Photos. I do NOT do full hair and makeup on certain Saturdays and have my camera-loving Doll take pix.
I did NOT look for the skillionth time at Alex’s profile pic and think, “Five kids?! Please!”
I did NOT determine yet again that the secret is Tilt Head Back. I did NOT suspect that she may have a neck like a chicken. I did NOT hope for it secretly, to make myself feel better.
I do NOT think we’d be lurvely good friends if we lived close.
I do NOT hurry to their blogs when they post.
I do NOT appreciate being recognized by bloggers who have more intelligence, more savvy, more readers and waaaay more writing talent than me.
I do NOT get all excited about the props, tell my peeps and start working on what I hope will be a post.
Other Stuff
It thrills me to no small end that Mr. thinks a certain smile line is a dimple.
In April of last year we had a goodly earthquake in Southern Illinois. (There have been others, but this one was newsworthy.)
It was 5.2 on the Richter Scale. It was a full 30 seconds long. It happened around 4:30 in the morning and I was glad to be fully awake to experience it. The cat wasn’t as thrilled.
My high school cheerleading days were short-lived. Never mind that I loathed basketball. I weighed less than 200# and they wanted someone for the top of the mounts.
My best move was getting really drunk and putting my head on my knees waiting to vomit or pass out.
My best move specific to cheerleading was the fingers-in-the-mouth whistle. Not really a move, but it was the best thing I had in my arsenal.
I’m fairly fluent in sign language. I can do, “Are you hungry?”, “I’m going to kill you,” “I’m done talking about this,” as well as the lyrics to “White Christmas,” in ASL. (Which may or may not be an acronym for American Savant Language and may or may not be comprehended by genuine sign language users.)
Stuff I Watch/Listen To/Read
Scrubs
Cardinals Baseball
My Boys
Breaking Bad
American Idol
Maroon 5
Maroon 5
Def Leppard
Guns ‘n Roses
Anberlin
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Dan Brown, “The Rest of the Gospel”
I’d Never...
trade gas, grass or ass for a “free" ride.
come a knockin’ if the van was a-rockin’.
I’d also never eat a crayfish, (which I hope in no way offends my delightful southern gal pals) but I DID manage to narrow down my favorites to a Worthy Few: (in no particular order My Lovelies)
Just a Girl
Although I haven’t received my official Open Pool Invite from Shannon, I’m now accepting applications for my Customary Guest. (Mr. doesn’t want to see me in a bathing suit that often.)
Blog-Ignoramus
Mama-face says she has great legs. I remarked long ago, “…who likes their legs? I hate those people,” but I can get beyond that.
Guns ‘n Roses
Anberlin
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Dan Brown, “The Rest of the Gospel”
I’d Never...
trade gas, grass or ass for a “free" ride.
come a knockin’ if the van was a-rockin’.
I’d also never eat a crayfish, (which I hope in no way offends my delightful southern gal pals) but I DID manage to narrow down my favorites to a Worthy Few: (in no particular order My Lovelies)
Just a Girl
Although I haven’t received my official Open Pool Invite from Shannon, I’m now accepting applications for my Customary Guest. (Mr. doesn’t want to see me in a bathing suit that often.)
Blog-Ignoramus
Mama-face says she has great legs. I remarked long ago, “…who likes their legs? I hate those people,” but I can get beyond that.
Love, Laughter and Lyrics
Jennifer's profile pic prompted a $45 face cream splurge. She’s as happy as a Painting Farmgirl, but I can get beyond that.
Welcome to the Momplex
I declare Jenny Penny “Most Likely to Be Published and Spend her Book Money Putting in a Pool to Lure Me Away From Shannon.”
Keep in Touch with Mommakin
Jennifer's profile pic prompted a $45 face cream splurge. She’s as happy as a Painting Farmgirl, but I can get beyond that.
Welcome to the Momplex
I declare Jenny Penny “Most Likely to Be Published and Spend her Book Money Putting in a Pool to Lure Me Away From Shannon.”
Keep in Touch with Mommakin
Tammy is me as a Rocker Girl if I hadn’t chosen to go with No Personality At All, and my alter ego “Scared Shartless at Concerts.”
The Devil's Daughter-In-Law
because this blog is OMG Brilliant and the posts are PMP Hilarity. I predict good things… LURVE this blog.
The Machinist's Wife
Our life experiences are polar opposites but Helen and I are likeminded indeed. Plus, having a friend in Australia makes me feel so cosmopolitan.
Mrs. Jelly Belly
Somehow manages to humor me while writing about food and nutrition. More importantly I learn. She eats healthy and doesn’t judge or condemn, but I can get beyond that.
Nothing To Worry About
I love Sheri. The feckless crap I blog about can’t be mentioned in the same post as her experiences. She’s living it right now, and blogging (when she’s not suffering with severe rectal pain and/or uncontrolled vomiting.)
Your mission, should you chose to accept it, is to grab an award and post. It. Out.
Don’t be afraid. Or do.
Select at least 7 of your favorite bloggers and create the scenario of an outing.
Host a luncheon, see a movie, or go to the park.
Enjoy Ladies Night. You deserve to pretend that you’re going someplace.
Don’t be afraid. Or do.
Treat everyone to a day at the spa, because you’re worth play money.
Go to a play, or the opera. See a movie, meet for coffee, shop at the mall or a bookstore.
The sky is the limit. Because we're all gonna go along with pretending you're that good.
Write something unique that each of Chosen Few would contribute if you actually got met these peeps in real life. Or don’t, cuz real life is the scary part.
Be sure to pick up the check. Your ersatz generosity will impress your imaginary friends.
The Devil's Daughter-In-Law
because this blog is OMG Brilliant and the posts are PMP Hilarity. I predict good things… LURVE this blog.
The Machinist's Wife
Our life experiences are polar opposites but Helen and I are likeminded indeed. Plus, having a friend in Australia makes me feel so cosmopolitan.
Mrs. Jelly Belly
Somehow manages to humor me while writing about food and nutrition. More importantly I learn. She eats healthy and doesn’t judge or condemn, but I can get beyond that.
Nothing To Worry About
I love Sheri. The feckless crap I blog about can’t be mentioned in the same post as her experiences. She’s living it right now, and blogging (when she’s not suffering with severe rectal pain and/or uncontrolled vomiting.)
Your mission, should you chose to accept it, is to grab an award and post. It. Out.
Don’t be afraid. Or do.
Select at least 7 of your favorite bloggers and create the scenario of an outing.
Host a luncheon, see a movie, or go to the park.
Enjoy Ladies Night. You deserve to pretend that you’re going someplace.
Don’t be afraid. Or do.
Treat everyone to a day at the spa, because you’re worth play money.
Go to a play, or the opera. See a movie, meet for coffee, shop at the mall or a bookstore.
The sky is the limit. Because we're all gonna go along with pretending you're that good.
Write something unique that each of Chosen Few would contribute if you actually got met these peeps in real life. Or don’t, cuz real life is the scary part.
Be sure to pick up the check. Your ersatz generosity will impress your imaginary friends.
I have to admit, I sort of wondered if the Devil's Daughter In Law was you. You are both evil geniuses.
ReplyDeleteYou are the only nut I'd put in my chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. And, yes, its all about the tilt of the head.
ReplyDeleteI knew it!
ReplyDeleteGirls! Get Mama's plastic stripper shoes out of your Lego box. We're taking pichers!
What do you eat for breakfast cuz that kinda writing doesn't come from eating Cheerios? I am honored! Yeah, girl, bring the skirted one-piece. The pool opens end of May- we hope! BTW- I giggle inside every time to mention Southern IL cuz that's hwere hubby's mom's side of the family is from and they are all hillbillies!!!This coming from a girl who has a regualr post titled "YAGBTS"!!
ReplyDeleteHow does Shannon know 'bout my skirted one piece?
ReplyDeleteDo I not seem bikini worthy? Does bikini even seem possible?
No, in truth, even slim over 40 is not often bikiniable.
I have sausage or bacon for breakfast baby. Go meat!
YAGBTS. I had to look it up. AGAIN.
It was a long time ago when I first read it on your blog.
I STILL think it's hysterical, er, I think it's hysterical again - one of the perks of forgetfulness!
Wow - I am - so honored! I'm gonna have to put some thought into this one, but it sounds like an awful lot of fun!
ReplyDeleteSee... I knew you were Zombie Chicken worthy. You have expanded my vocabulary and made me think about things I normally wouldn't... and that is a good thing (I think), but most of all you're just freakin funny... and I like you.
ReplyDeleteOh.. Yes master. I know, back to work on your button... Sorry master!
Only YOU could take awards, being tagged, odd historical references and random bits of bacon casserole/shaving tutorials, put them all in a blender and mke a delicious Smart Ass Smoothie out of it.
ReplyDeleteDo you have any orange-cranberry muffins to go with it...?
You did NOT just tag me! Here comes the whining: But I'm still Under the Influence - how can I respond?
ReplyDeleteBut you made me laugh, so I can get beyond it and give this some drug-addled thought...
(And I love your mad sign language skills. I mean, really, what more is there to say??)
That was wildly entertaining.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure that I have just useful to add, but I had a good time reading it.
you are making my wobbly bits jiggle with laughter....is all those years of being of fundie, keeping u're humor locked up that makes you so funny now? where do you get this stuff
ReplyDelete*fainting*
ReplyDeleteI'm honored! And flattered! And secretly thrilled that folks are pondering my identity.
THANK YOU! And honestly, I'm having such a hard time imagining you as a fundie...
HEY wait a minute...
ReplyDeleteI can't help it if I have great legs. It's a curse more than a blessing. If you only knew.
I am soooo glad I found you;
I can't live without you.
gagagagagag
Cuuuuute Blog!
ReplyDeleteI love being Saucy by accident! Unexpected Saucyness is the best kind!
Congrats on being a Saucy blog!!
Ok, you sister are hilarious. And is just me or has My Boys taken a lame turn with the PG/Bobby hookup?
ReplyDelete