Miss Kelly's House of Torture Daycare

Skillions of peeps in the blogging world offer up opinion. Some go out of their way to share genuine expertise, as in, “I’m actually educated/trained/good at this/smart, and I’m offering info to help you, for free”.
“Help” gets my attention. “For free” is the deal-maker.

Check out Mrs Jelly Belly. She’s serving up nutrition facts heavy on the funny, and she longs to answer reader questions. Compared to Jelly, Alton Brown is a side order.
Check out Laura at Décor to Adore, cuz she wants your design dilemmas NOW. Who HASN’T longed for an interior decorator’s FREE advice?

I realized a long time ago that I am an Exceptional Parent. Not exceptional in that I spend quality time with my children or create a peaceful and loving environment or meet their needs. I’m exceptional if by exceptional you mean I never took any nonsense.

They’re well-behaved kids.

I’ve worked my magic in daycare. I’ve got a buttload of education, and I’m putting my $70,000 in student loans to good use taking care of Calvin Klein and his brother Bom Diggety, heretofore known as Beelzebabe. He's gotta earn the Bom Diggety.

I'm All About the Daycare, even now, as I sit here blogging.

In the spirit of sisterhood I thought I’d offer a few of my Tips for the Good Taking Care of Kids.

Today’s topic, “Kid Learning About Hands.”

First off, a girl has to get beyond feeling second-rate when the cross-eyed three-month-old spends more time looking at his hands than her Antics of Daycare Excellence.
Juggling light sticks while wearing only gray tops is NOT the answer to being the visual end-all of this kid’s world.
His eyes have only recently stopped rolling, (and thank God he sleeps with both of them closed now.) He’ll be looking every which way. Park him ‘neath the ceiling fan and just be glad you’re spending time with a male who looks above your chest b/c Miss Kelly you are lookin’ FINE in that polo.

Kid will be all about the chewing of the fingers. He’ll appear to be alternately excited and frustrated about the various amount of success he’ll achieve.

Gagging is likely, but no worries. The Gag is God’s way of teaching limits. Trust God and the Gag. The kid'll figure it out. He'll survive the Gag.

You may or may not need to clean up stinky formula puke along the way. Trust God and the Brawny Man. You'll survive even stinky formula puke.

Kid Learning About Hands needs to hold stuff.

This is where the wheat separates from the chaff.

Ready to shine ladies?

Newbies waste money on toys that will only lighten their pocketbook and clutter their space. Teethers will overtake your home, and your car, and your handbag.

I searched “teething toy” on Amazon and found over 200 items.

There’s a vibrating teether. There are teething blankets, and flavored/scented teething items galore.
There's a musical teething gadget; Teething Tunes. What? Is that Def Lep playing?

There are necklaces and bracelets for mom to wear. Not at all disgusting. Or entirely.

There's a teething photo album (so Junior can cut his incisors on an image of Aunt Ruth), and assorted teething books (chewable cloth books, not “Tooth Eruption for Dummies.”)

There are even totes for teethers cuz you wouldn’t want to put them in the same toybox as your non-teething, gaudy-colored, ridiculously overpriced, baby betterment devices.

There are rattles, rings and rubber animals, toys of wood and Egyptian cotton. There are all-natural toys, organic toys and patterned “educational” toys for the Teething/Kid Learning About Hands Kid who’d just as soon chew on car keys while talking to the handle of his carrier.

It’s a million dollar industry claiming to stimulate a kid with necessary colors, patterns and textures, when in truth he’d be just as pleased gnawing on his own thumb whilst gagging.

Veterans like myself know the world is a treasure trove of Stuff for a Baby. You just gotta know where to find it.

You're about to learn from the best. You're at the brink of brilliance... the edge of excellence... the portal of preeminence... the threshold of something that means "awesome," and starts with a "th" sound... Pause now, for seriousness. And effect.

Please note the following items in the photo below: remote control, puzzle game, mini basin, pet brush, empty packaging, candle lighter, CD, scissors, church key, Daycare Lady’s paycheck, Wusthof Santuko, cool slider phone, bareMinerals makeup, candle, and magnifying glass.

At first glance it looks like a bunch of ordinary stuff, but this is a little game I like to call "You're Going to Learn Childrearing Excellence Playing 'Toy or Not a Toy?' with Miss Kelly," or YGTLCEPTONATWMK, for short.

Toy or Not a Toy?

Remote Control - NOT A TOY
I’m watching court shows and his repeated whacking of self on melon has changed the channel on more than one occasion.
I won't risk missing Judge Alex's ruling so the child can have the joy of hitting himself on the face with something plastic.

Puzzle Game - NOT A TOY
Admittedly a trick question, because the kid doesn’t know numbers yet. (If you didn’t get that don’t feel bad. Don’t have children, and/or give up the kids you’ve got. Quit reading now. Come back tomorrow though, cuz the stuff I post on Wednesdays is idiotic and you’ll like it.)

Mini Emesis Basin - TOY
As soon as he’s old enough he’s cleaning up brother’s chemo vomit. Also applicable for baby's own vomit, pet vomit, and various and sundry vomits around your home.

Pet Brush – TOY
Prop child near cats for full effect.

Empty Packaging – TOY
As per instructions you’ve got to wash the new pacifier. He’s wailing. Give him the package. He can eat cardboard while you lick the new paci clean.

Candle Lighter* – TOY
It has a child safety mechanism.
*Give only new lighters to a child under 6 months. A used lighter has soot on it. To explain a ring of char around baby's mouth employ one of the following excuses: baby ate Oreos OR dirt OR grilled meat.

CD – NOT A TOY
Baby lying in front seat of car can deflect full sun off his face into your eyes whereby making it hard to read texts while driving.

Scissors – TOY
Holding the blades closed of course. Good practice for gripping.

Church Key – TOY
Same principle as above, plus chewing rust puts iron into his diet (Right Jellay?)

Daycare Lady’s Paycheck - NOT A TOY
No, Dad, never give Miss Kelly’s dough to the three-month-old.

Wusthof Santuko – NOT A TOY
This is an expensive knife.

Cool Slider Phone – TOY
Maybe HE can figure out how to set up my email account and notifications.

bareMinerals makeup – TOY
UH…MINERALS equals GOOD FOR YOU.

Candle – TOY
His breath smells delicious!

Magnifying Glass – NOT A TOY
Not even scissors-style for gripping practice, cuz my pores look HUGE through this thing. Puh-leez.

There you have it; 15 simple items that become effective teaching tools in the hands of a baby taken care of by a Mom/Daycare Lady on the Go, and/or on the Couch/Too Lazy/Too Cheap/Too Apathetic to Buy Real Toys.

You’ve got the four-one-one, now it’s time to examine what you’ve learned.

Simple Eyeliner Pencil – TOY OR NOT A TOY?

Simple Eyeliner Pencil – TOY OR NOT A TOY?

NOT a TOY if he refuses to learn blending.