That Flasher is a Dude, I Can Tell

I’m observant. I am vigilant.
I’m attentive in all situations.
I’m a keen witness. Watchful.
I’m an excellent judge of character. I can decipher another’s attitude in a moment.

I can tell an apple tree from the apples.
I can figure YOU out, cuz I know the heart of man.
There are two natures, and I’ve had ‘em both.

I know things.

I woulda recognized Bernie Madoff as a thief the moment I laid eyes on him.
If I was a gay teenage boy in Milwaukee I’d’ve never gone home with Jeffrey D.
I knew Blogo was no good before he offered me the Senate seat.
Plaxico Burrus screamed Guilty Thug, prior to shooting himself in the a**.
And surprise, surprise; only two things make your head grow (literally) larger, and for Barry Bonds it was performance-enhancers.

I knew it. All.

I’ll never be the lady interviewed on the six o’clock news who looks openmouthed into the camera and remarks, “I never woulda guessed. He was real quiet. He kept to hisself a lot.”
I may be openmouthed indeed (Clueless is my resting appearance.), but I’ll Spill the Beans about my neighbors.

Nobody surprises me.

"Baby stealing? I knew he was capable. He has a burn barrel and we’re within the city limits.”
"Beating his wife? He made the her take out the trash. It was only a matter of time…”
"Child pornography? He barbequed with charcoal. I knew it would come to this.”
"Took a gun to work and kilt her boss? I'm not surprised. She never used her clothesline.”
"Human Traffiking? Well hell, he never trimmed the weeds on the fenceline.”

Kate Gosselin? Her man stepped out.
I saw it coming. I knew they were in for trouble.
I’m real observant that way, if by observant you mean Acutely Aware of the Obvious.

I can tell an apple tree from the apples.
I can figure The Gosselins out, because I know the propensity of the human heart.
There are two natures of man, and I’ve had ‘em both.

I know things.

I wish I would’ve warned her. Now all I’ve got is condolences.

Dear Kate,

I know, right?

While you were busy exploiting your children working, Jon strayed.
One day you swung reached out with loving arms, and he wasn't there.
What the…

It’s not easy to manage a world that revolves around you a family of multiples.
You’re busy.

You’ve got to add narration to televised life with eight out-of-control children while simultaneously castigating, humiliating, and lording over your husband.
You are a busy girl.

Jon had an inordinate amount of time and opportunity to find an escape route kindness and affection elsewhere diversions.

No fair.
The world cries out, “Poor Kate.”

What was he thinking?

Did he ever ask you to train the children? I'm just wondering.

Did he ever mention the notion of having obedient kids? Cuz some people like that.

When you considered intrauterine insemination, did you think about the job of parenting? or was it lights, cameras, action from the git-go?

He didn’t know about the relationship with your bodyguard, did he?
Cuz there's nothing wrong with your friendship as long as all you did was complain about your spouse
bond emotionally with a married man
fantacize about one another
behave like brother and sister.

Did anyone ever say “Let’s turn off the cameras”? "Let's send 'em packing and become a family."?
The crew didn’t add stress to an already demanding situation, did they?

Did Jon ever say anything about maybe changing your hair? I mean; if he gave you teeth-whitening for a gift...
I'm jus' saying; some guys wouldn't like a six-color reverse mullet.

He didn’t get tired of running in circles at your command with 8 undisciplined kids while you berated and criticized him on national television. Did he?

You weren’t worse when the cameras were off. Were you?

I’m sure that he enjoyed being humiliated. Don’t all men love that?

He didn’t want your respect. I’m sure of it.

He didn’t want to be loved, cherished and honored.
And I’m certain when you vowed to do it you were only joking.

Good God Kate, how unfair to you.
I love your “Show must go on” attitude. Marriage be damned but keep those cameras rolling.
Your tight-lipped maturity is now making you the martyr.
Perhaps you shoulda held your tongue once in a while before you drove him away.

YOU were the catalyst.
For the breeding.
For the television show.
For the termination of your marriage.

Cuz you started it.

Apples, Kate. Apple TREE.

You bitch, therefore you are.

Jon; my condolences. Run like H.
Don’t look back.
Not even when you hear the endless high-pitched whining of Eight Horrible Children.

They’re apples, all of ‘em. Just like their mama.
I can tell.