Here, Take This Placebo

This isn't a post.
It's not a contribution to Friday Fragments.
I've never even heard of Mrs.4444 or Half-Past Kissin' Time.

This is a test. This is only a test. If there had been an actual post you would've read a gripping introduction, a full body, and a satisfying conclusion.
We now return to our regularly scheduled programming already in progress.


The loggerhead turtle is a pretty big deal on Edisto Island where we vacationed last summer.
The loggerhead turtle is Pro-Tected.
And they're serious.

In the office of the island’s version of park rangers there is a small gift shop.
Lame.
Piggly Wiggly had better souvenirs.

Ranger Rick’s Shit Shack had no flip-flop keychains, no nylon “surfer” bracelets, no seabird art. They had nothing covered in seashells.
They have t-shirts, sunglasses, coffee cups, and books. They had a lot of regional recipes; traditional Gullah fare and seafood recipes galore.
“Do you have ‘101 Ways to Cook Loggerhead’?” I asked.

Ranger Rick’s Shit Shack has shot glasses and whistles emblazzened with "Edisto, SC," but they DO NOT have a sense of humor.
The loggerhead turtle is Pro-Tected.
And they're serious.


Here in Southern Illinois Fox 23 is our channel 10, where we get channel six’s ten o’clock news at nine.


The following conversation took place between the hours of 10:00 and 11:00 PM:
Mr.: They have handbags you might like at that place that used to be a florist shop.
Me: Where?
Mr.: That storefront that always has ‘For Rent’ in the window.
Me: The place that used to be a pie shop-slash-trophy store?
Mr.: No, the place by the girls’ school.
Me: The hard luck rental? The place that was Gretch’n’s Floral, that always pissed me off cuz Gretch’n with an apostrophe is bumpkin stupid?
Mr.: No, the place that pissed you off because you thought a Florist Shop should have fresh flowers not just artificial.
Me: The shop with the cracked window with the tape?
Mr.: Yea.
Me: The duct tape?
Mr.: NO! The BLACK TAPE!
Me: The storefront with the collapsed carport? The one that used to sell comic books?
Mr.: NO! THE STOREFRONT WITH THE GANG SIGN SPRAYPAINTED ON THE DOOR BY THE BURNED-OUT HOUSE IN FRONT OF THE TRAILER PARK WHERE THE 'QUICK CASH' STORE USED TO BE NEAR THE BANKRUPTCY LAWYER THAT PISSES YOU OFF BECAUSE THEY'RE SHYSTERS!!!!
Me: The one by the auto detail place?
Mr. (screaming): HOLY SHIT YES!!!! They’ve got purses.
I'll be damned if I let you buy me a handbag now, Mr. Temper.


In May of ’04 I was grieving. I went to my stylist for a change. I wanted a new look.
It worked.
I got a haircut that said “My Mom Just Died.”


Baby Doll got a Magic Bullet for Christmas. She’s an infomercial addict, and the wonder blender has been on her wishlist since second grade.
For weeks following the holidays we kept her chained in the kitchen, making smoothies.
We discovered that some combos are evil, even with ice cream.
Bloody Mary is bad. So is California Roll.
I love radishes. Radish smoothies though? No.
Caesar makes good salad. Bad ice cream drinks.
And French Vanilla does not blend well with French Onion.


Dear Roxanne, He said, “You don’t hafta put on the red light.” Are you listening?

Dear Oscar Mayer, How do YOU spell bologna?

Dear Mr. Blue Sky, Why? Please tell us.


When you’re young; you take eight photos you’ll look great in six of them.
When you’re old you’ll hate all ten.
I’m So Old I look bad in pix that haven’t been taken yet.