Friday, May 21, 2010

I Don't Belong Here

Just weeks before It happened I had an epiphany.

A moment of clarity.

A bright spot in what I’d decided was maybe a mid-life crisis and surely a dry-spell for my blog.

I thought it was the loneliest time of my life.
I thought.


I thought about how I’d share my revelation with You, Dear Reader.
Cuz it was big.
It was important.
Then.

I realized our business with the church hurt so much because I thought I’d found a family.

I miss extended family.

The church is supposed to be brothers and sisters in Christ.

We’ll have fellowship and friendship, they told us.
We’ll be in agreement on matters of faith, they said.
We’ll learn and grow together, they declared.

They lied.

They broke my heart.

I was going to share that little gem with you, Dear Reader, but The Bottom Fell Out of my World.

We were sitting in the police station.
Where is she?
I felt as though I'd been eviscerated.
Where could she be?

I looked at Mr. Savant with his broad shoulders, his thinning flattop, and his salt ‘n pepper fumanchu.
And I saw a 17-year-old boy.

I was 21 again, and we were wet behind the ears at our first ro-de-o.

We were better than invincible. We were young. We hadn’t considered vincibility.
We hadn’t considered a 100-pound girl would someday bring us to our knees.

We didn’t sign up for a Runaway Daughter, I thought.

I remembered the night Gram died. Mr. held me while I cried my tears out.
This should be part of the wedding vows, I told him.

Forget about richer and poorer. Nevermind sickness and health.
I'll hold you when your loved one is gone forever.

I never thought we’d sit up all night waiting for our daughter to come home.
Wringing hands.
Jumping at the phone.
Rubbernecking every movement on our street. And praying.

That was a month ago, and I hate our New Normal.
I’d gladly make a heavy trade to get out of The Aftermath.

Take my car, my house, my stuff.
Gimme arthritis pain.
Gimme Gram’s death, my grief and anorexia.
I'll take marriage problems. I'll take heartache.
I'll take Mom’s cancer, Mom's death, and the loss of my first family.
I’d re-do church and lose that family again too!

I want my confidence back. I want to feel capable.
I want to feel lovable, and loved.
I want to stop second-guessing, wondering, and worrying.

Some days I just want to put the hurt on someone else.

I want to forget that I’m completely undone by this.

I want to exhale.

26 comments:

  1. You ARE loved Kel. You need to reconnect with your tribe. The peeps who thought of you, worried about you, heckled you, bugged you when things were wonky and uncertained. Those peeps are the ones that will keep you going when the going gets rough. SO glad to see a post from you. ((HUGS)) from Minn-er-soter. :)

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  2. Oh Kelly. This is so huge. I'm sorry you are having to go through this.
    I typed a bunch of words and then deleted them because they just aren't enough. Nothing is enough. You can't un-ring a bell.

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  3. Kel - you ARE loved. Very much. Geez, you make me cry. Okay. Calm down...now, this is what I'll say to you.
    I wish I could take some of the hurt. But I can't. You know Who can. You know if it wasn't for Him, you couldn't even stand. Take comfort in knowing that even with the pain that you DO have...He has it too.
    I know you know that.
    You are His child as much or more than she is YOUR child. You can be undone and exhale in the knowing that He holds you. He does. He loves you. And her.
    And He knows what you need, He has answered your prayers...you just may not see it right now. Or ever. Because it's His to see. His to do.
    If only our pathetic earthly/human eyes could see...we probably still wouldn't understand. Because, as much as it sucks for us, it is for Him to know and see.
    Remember, He has plans for you. Plans to not harm you. To prosper you. And for her.
    He never rests. NEVER. Never sleeps. EVER. You can exhale in knowing that.
    Okay, ameteur sermon over.
    LOVE YOU SO MUCH, FRIEND. Hugs to you and all of your beautiful daughters. And, okay, if you want, to the Mr. too. Heck, you can even hug your cats for me. Gah.

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  4. I wish there was something I could say or do to take that hurt away. I really do. I can't even imagine what you went through. My heart just breaks for you and your family. I am sending you all a prayer and some big ol' hugs because right now there just aren't words that seem enough.

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  5. Oh, Kelly, I am so, so sorry. I had no idea. I work with families and teenagers everyday, and see this. Just dealt with a 16 year-old runaway yesterday, who did not even think to consider how her actions would affect her family and her dad.

    I hope she comes home soon.

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  6. My heart breaks for you. You are in my thoughts & prayers. ♥

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  7. I don't know you as well some of your other blogger friends but as a mother and of daughters my heart aches for you.. you have my prayers.

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  8. Oh Kelly, I'm so sorry. I can only imagine the nightmare you are pulling yourself through. I still remember some things like it just happened. Mostly because I lost my own ability to deal with the passage of time. But I've always known that not knowing would be far worse. My prayers are with you and yours.

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  9. I'm not sure it will ever completely go away or come back again. You have experienced a mother's nightmare, but thankfully woke up before the end. Always in my thoughts and prayers, Kel.

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  10. I know there are no words, but I have some I'd like to say anyway.

    I cried when I saw on FB that one of the Dolls was missing. I cried again when I saw how many people joined in to help the Darling's efforts. I cried again when I asked friends to post and repost her picture and information, and they did. I cried again when I saw she was safe. I cried again when friends rejoiced with me that a girl whom they only knew was important to someone who was important to me was safe. I cried again when you said you were leaving. I cried again when you came back. I cried as I read this post to myself, and sobbed as I tried, unsuccessfully, to read it aloud to Mr. J.

    I am crying now as I write this. Because although we've never laid eyes on each other, nor breathed the same air, you have become a part of my life. You are in my heart. I want nothing more than for you to know that you are thought of, and prayed for — and you are loved.

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  11. I am so sorry you are going through this! I hope the pain ends soon and you are reunited!

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  12. I've been staring at my computer trying to think of the perfect thing to say to you, but then I realized that there's nothing perfect in this situation. Nothing I could say or do would be enough. I am so sorry that you are going through this difficult time. My prayers will be with you and your family.

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  13. you DO belong here....... Maybe not the here that life's sometimes cruelty has dropped you into..... but you know, HERE........

    There's nothing like kids........

    They can bring you to heights of joy that should be illegal, and than shoot you between the eyes when you're least prepared.........

    and in both cases you're just expected to love them.....

    you've been shot between the eyes......

    it takes time to come through that........

    I wish I had better words for you, ever since I read about your little girl on facebook, I've been speechless......

    than you said you were leaving facebook, AND closing down the blog........ where was I going to get my inspiration from, if not from the "Kellyisms"????? ( yeah..... okay..... probably not a word..... but I've been having my own writer's block, ya know.... ) :-)

    Than you came back.... and I was AFRAID to speak..... for fear of scaring you back away......

    Than I read this last night, and knew I had to try..... and this was the result......... Kinda wished I'd opted for sending you a houseplant from FTD, as I feel helpless, inadequate, and like I don't belng here..........

    you remember when I offered you 10 cents off metamucil, coupons to stay???

    That was love, baby......... :-)

    love you, thinking of you, and your family.....
    ( and please keep sharing your "Kellyism".... I'm going to nominate that be a word..... Just cause I like it )

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  14. I'm so sorry that you've gone through this and are obviously still going through this. Didn't I understand that she did come back, right? I just know that you are truly missed when you leave us, Kelly. I look forward to your postings and seeing you on FB. I remember when my boys were teenagers and so many times that my hubby and I would tell each other that we wished we had never had kids. Now I feel really guilty about saying that because we love our boys so much, but we went through some terrible times with them. All I can tell you is that it gets better. Teen years are terrible. My boys are now in their late 20's, both married and fathers, both in great jobs with the U.S. Air Force, and they are wonderful, fabulous men that we are so proud of. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and someday you will look back and understand that reason. In the meantime, I feel your pain. I understand. And it will be OK.

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  15. I can't even imagine what you're going through, but you know you've got my eyes and ears as far as sticking with you and being there while your family struggles through.

    I'm wishing you some much love and praying for your peace of mind and some relief to your heartache.

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  16. Kel, I cannot imagine what you are feeling and experiencing, but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo Sue

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  17. My heart hurts for you - I'm so sorry you've had to go through that pain. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers! ((HUGZ!!))

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  18. I'm sorry.

    You have someone in New England who loves you, thinks of you and says prayers for you.

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  19. What FranticMommy said. I can't even imagine. It would absolutely break my heart if VC was do to the same. Hang in there. Take care of yourself and know that you ARE loved :-)

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  20. Over from SITS. Great blog. Unicorns are so fun. I cover the hurt with jokes. I love you mom, seriously though a little warning before the teary blogs, I'm suppose to be somewhere soon. I'm glad she's ok now.

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  21. Oh, I know I'm jumping in here late, but what a parent's nightmare.

    I'm crying for you.. I'm so very sorry for you right now.

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  22. oh man i havent been there for you.. i hope its all on the mend now.. this campaign trail is killing my blogging and social life..

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The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us. -Quentin Crisp

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