Just weeks before It happened I had an epiphany.
A moment of clarity.
A bright spot in what I’d decided was maybe a mid-life crisis and surely a dry-spell for my blog.
I thought it was the loneliest time of my life.
I thought about how I’d share my revelation with You, Dear Reader.
Cuz it was big.
It was important.
I realized our business with the church hurt so much because I thought I’d found a family.
I miss extended family.
The church is supposed to be brothers and sisters in Christ.
We’ll have fellowship and friendship, they told us.
We’ll be in agreement on matters of faith, they said.
We’ll learn and grow together, they declared.
They broke my heart.
I was going to share that little gem with you, Dear Reader, but The Bottom Fell Out of my World.
We were sitting in the police station.
Where is she?
I felt as though I'd been eviscerated.
Where could she be?
I looked at Mr. Savant with his broad shoulders, his thinning flattop, and his salt ‘n pepper fumanchu.
And I saw a 17-year-old boy.
I was 21 again, and we were wet behind the ears at our first ro-de-o.
We were better than invincible. We were young. We hadn’t considered vincibility.
We hadn’t considered a 100-pound girl would someday bring us to our knees.
We didn’t sign up for a Runaway Daughter, I thought.
I remembered the night Gram died. Mr. held me while I cried my tears out.
This should be part of the wedding vows, I told him.
Forget about richer and poorer. Nevermind sickness and health.
I'll hold you when your loved one is gone forever.
I never thought we’d sit up all night waiting for our daughter to come home.
Jumping at the phone.
Rubbernecking every movement on our street. And praying.
That was a month ago, and I hate our New Normal.
I’d gladly make a heavy trade to get out of The Aftermath.
Take my car, my house, my stuff.
Gimme arthritis pain.
Gimme Gram’s death, my grief and anorexia.
I'll take marriage problems. I'll take heartache.
I'll take Mom’s cancer, Mom's death, and the loss of my first family.
I’d re-do church and lose that family again too!
I want my confidence back. I want to feel capable.
I want to feel lovable, and loved.
I want to stop second-guessing, wondering, and worrying.
Some days I just want to put the hurt on someone else.
I want to forget that I’m completely undone by this.
I want to exhale.
2 days ago