Monday, June 7, 2010

Michael B. Wendell, SUPERGenius, or If I Had Boobs I Could Pull This Off

Mike’s right.
I need a cocktail.

Fear not. It’ll be okay.

You can have my AA chips.
Fifteen years’ worth.
Stack ‘em.
Roll ‘em up.
Put ‘em…

Luckily AA chips don’t need sunshine.

Vacation is thirty days out.

I’m back on the treadmill, but the results are slower than I’d like.

I feel good.
But who exercises to Feel Good?
I hate that person.

One hundred fatty-two pounds.
I weigh one hundred fatty-two pounds!

I’m fifteen pounds down, but I still look a fright.
If I had boobs I could pull this off.
But, NO.

I’m on the treadmill forty minutes daily.
It’s like dog years.
I like it.
I hate it.
I like it, slash; hate it.

I’m up before the crack of dawn.
I’m feeling it.

I called my foot doc.
He says, “You’re telling me the overhauled foot is your worst problem on the treadmill?”
“Wull, no,” was my snappy reply. “Now my FEELINGS hurt too.”

Wah-ha-ha.

I may go on vacation weighing one hundred fatty-two pounds with a sore foot and hurt feelings, but booze will help.
Mike says so.
And so does Google, so it’s got to be true.

Google says “Booze helps us relax”.
It says, “Booze helps to strike up a conversation”.
“Booze helps us to loosen our uptight and inhibited selves.” As. Per. Google.

Hey Doubters; if it wasn’t factual it wouldn’t be on the internet!

On the other hand; Google says nothing about portly Prince Fielder playing baseball in pajamas.

Google is silent about Flo Rida having pectoral implants.

Google gives you accurate references to Mayella Ewell when you search “chiffarobe”, but they got nothing definitive on how much fun can occur before somebody actually puts an eye out.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Left to Google the world WILL never know.

How do you dress a one-hundred-fatty-two pound pear-shaped Savant this season?
Google’s got bupkiss.

But they say “Booze will help me forget,” so that’s the route I’m taking.

17 comments:

  1. All I can say is at least it's in the 100 range! LOL

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  2. Tell your doctor to go get another degree and, in the meantime, to suck it.

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  3. Count your blessings! I haven't seen 100 anything on the scale in years!!!! Now I think I'll have a drink!

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  4. I just recently hit the one hundreds again..... I think I'll have a party........ With tootsie pops........... and booze........ :-) The treadmill she is a cruel taskmaster...... but at least you made me laugh about it today!! ( Have you tried strength training yet???? I've invented a whole new set of curse words over the biceps curl...... ) :-)

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  5. if my thyroid doesn't shape up I may be one hundred fatty three lbs someday :-(

    Flo Rida - Implants??? I must google.

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  6. Hells Bells!! I thought I was doing great, losing weight on the mister's diabetic (right way to eat) diet. But I have hit a plateau and I am nowhere near where I need to be. "They" say the plateau comes when you are near goal weight. "They" have their heads caught. Try waaaaay more than that til goal weight. I guess I shouldn't have given up my job as a personal trainer and teaching aerobics. Why oh why can't I work out on my own? So I am stuck. Heck, makes me want to just give up and go back to eating ice cream, tacos, burgers, and all the rest of that good tasting unhealthy cr#*. Oh yeah, and booze.... I know your pain, Kel.
    hugs, Sue

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  7. I would kill or die to weigh one hundred fatty two. Kill. Or. Die.

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  8. I weigh one hundred fatty one... i too must look for a pear shaped sun bathing outfit. im not sure a swimsuit will suffice..

    you started blogging and i quit... wassup wit dat?

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  9. Drinking is empty calories and it makes faces puffy.

    I'm pear shaped. I bet I weigh more than you. And my Operation Beach Body 2010 got derailed by a bag of Salt & Vinegar chips. (Can't eat just ONE. ((Bag.))

    You need to watch more reality tv. You'll get a contact drunk.

    I used to sing FloRida's Elevator to The Cute when she was a newborn.

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  10. Google says you're still allowed to have fun even if you aren't perfect.

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  11. LOVE IT, google 's not all bad, it told me you were here!

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  12. Oh, I am just going to not even think about it. I've had it...and stay away from WIi fit,too. It called me obese!

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  13. Wow. So many foreign letters above mine. I didn't know you could read Chinese comments! It's been ages since I visited blogs on any sort of regular basis. I've been in the younger-than-age-two parenting hole again for awhile. Poking my head out of the hole, I thought I'd stop by an old favorite, and I laughed my silly head off at this post. I just got back from Florida, where I took my own weight-undisclosed pear shape and had a fine, fine time -- until I saw the pictures. Just don't look at the pictures until you're done with your trip. Google doesn't tell you that either.

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  14. LOL! I'm one hundred and fatty one and eating ice cream as I type today... That's probably wrong.
    There's a reason the word Google has ogle in it.

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  15. I WISH I weighed one hundred and fatty-one pounds.
    You are a piece of work, Girl. ...a brilliant piece of work.
    I should go paint the bla bla bla for the yadda yadda. Yeah. me too.

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  16. where the hell have you been!?

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The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us. -Quentin Crisp

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